Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
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No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.