Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
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Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.