“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
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Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.