When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
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According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
My Plans 2020
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes