how to have an accident 101
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Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.