cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
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Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?