geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
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“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
🔦🌙👣
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.