Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
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[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
Time for evil
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.