Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
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When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]