What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
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Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
If snakes were wide
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently