How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
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Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!