Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
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teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
not for long
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Ah yes. The three genders
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
You learn something every day
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*