My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
You Might Also Like
Meth is short for Elizameth.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.