[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
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growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
i made a craigslist ad !
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy