Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
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Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end