I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
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My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t