been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
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Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
Hero horse inspires millions
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
<—- homeless romantic
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?