Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
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[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
Cashiers are always checking me out
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.