My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
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Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD