pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
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”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
This bar smells like my childhood.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
the clam before the storm
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩