それは草
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nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Get off my horse you stupid moon
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*