computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
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How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.