I triple waxed for this?
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#polloftheday
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Ion see the issue
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Bread puns are on the rise!
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?