[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
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i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
This made me smile…
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine