me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
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me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
you have three unread messages
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.