I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
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I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.