Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
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My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”