BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
You Might Also Like
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]