Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
You Might Also Like
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”