In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
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A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Me, in DM rooms…