Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
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“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
All is fair in drunk and war.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?