Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
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Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Cucumbers Anonymous
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.