In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
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I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.