Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
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Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
me working on my assignments ^-^
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.