Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
You Might Also Like
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Me when my alarm goes off
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.