The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
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alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
this came to me in a vision
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.