My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
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The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey