I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
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I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom