Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
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Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.