I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
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Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.