Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
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Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Ovenable?
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in