Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
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People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
Spell check is for lasers.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
This is a bad sign
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams