It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
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[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
Warm pools make me nervous.
Twitter remains undefeated
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?