*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
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Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.