Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
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Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
Genius idea!!
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.