No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
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My love language is deader than Latin
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
Coffee is ready.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.