Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
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My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool