Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
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I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
Maths meets science
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone