Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
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Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.