Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
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My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.